


Stan

by growingCataclysm



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Abusive Relationships, Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Car Accidents, Character Death, Child Death, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drowning, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kin timeline, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Pregnancy, References to Depression, Songfic, Stan by Eminem, Suicide, Unhealthy Relationships, Yandere, big emphasis on dead dove do not eat, do you think thats enough tags, fuck this is a mess of timelines, no beta reader we die like men, yeah if you know that song you know exactly whats coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26974339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/growingCataclysm/pseuds/growingCataclysm
Summary: Some things can only be expressed in songs. A rundown of my Alpha Dave Strider timeline, put to Stan by Eminem ft Dido."Dear Mr. 'I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans', this will be the last package I ever send your ass"
Relationships: John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, One-Sided - Relationship, Poppop Crocker | Alpha John Egbert/Dirk's Bro | Alpha Dave Strider, Poppop Crocker | Alpha John Egbert/Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde
Kudos: 5





	Stan

**Author's Note:**

> when i say dead dove do not eat, i mean dead dove do not eat. i cannot express this enough. this shit is fucked up.
> 
> also, this isnt related to cmbyn in any way, this is an entirely different timeline.

_ My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I _

_ Got out of bed at all _

_ The morning rain clouds up my window _

_ And I can't see at all _

_ And even if I could it'll all be gray _

_ Put your picture on my wall _

_ It reminds me, that it's not so bad _

_ It's not so bad _

_ My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I _

_ Got out of bed at all _

_ The morning rain clouds up my window _

_ And I can't see at all _

_ And even if I could it'll all be gray _

_ Put your picture on my wall _

_ It reminds me, that it's not so bad _

_ It's not so bad _

It starts out in his bedroom. John pulls out a piece of paper, and begins to write.

_ Dear Slim, I wrote you but still ain't callin' _

_ I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom _

_ I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em _

_ There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin' _

_ Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em _

He smiles, a faraway look in his eyes. Roxy stares at him from across the room, holding her swollen stomach.

_ But anyways, fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter? _

_ My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm 'bout to be a father _

_ If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her? _

_ I'ma name her Bonnie _

The walls are plastered with movie posters, all of them featuring one face in particular, the face of a twenty-something celebrity named Dave Strider. Roxy wraps her arms around John, and he returns the hug, but his eyes never look up from the paper.

_ I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry _

_ I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him _

She gives him a squeeze before leaving John to his fantasies.

_ I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan _

_ I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam _

_ I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man _

_ I like the shit you did with Rawkus too, that shit was fat _

A quiet sigh escapes his mouth as he signs the letter.

_ Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, _

_ Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan _

_ This is Stan _

The letter is sealed, stamped, and given a kiss. Then he sends it out.

_ My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I _

_ Got out of bed at all _

_ The morning rain clouds up my window _

_ And I can't see at all _

He checks the mailbox, and it’s still empty. It’s been empty for a while.

_ And even if I could it'll all be gray _

_ Put your picture on my wall _

_ It reminds me, that it's not so bad _

_ It's not so bad _

  
  


_ Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance _

_ I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans _

Nineteen years old, John sits down at his desk, pulling out another sheet of paper. He winces as he grits his teeth, running a hand through tangled, greasy hair.

_ If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert _

_ You didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew _

_ That's my little brother man, he's only six years old _

_ We waited in the blistering cold for you _

_ For four hours and you just said, "No." _

His foot taps, and his phone lights up with a call. It goes to voicemail, showing a litany of notifications of other calls that he ignored.

_ That's pretty shitty man, you're like his fuckin' idol _

_ He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do _

_ I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to _

_ Remember when we met in Denver, you said if I'd write you you would write back _

He paces around the room, ignoring Roxy’s calls through the music that blasts through his headphones. Dave released a music album recently. He liked it.

_ See I'm just like you in a way _

_ I never knew my father neither _

_ He used to always cheat on my mom and beat her _

He hates the smell of tobacco. It makes him angry. Few things make him angry, he thinks.

_ I can relate to what you're saying in your songs _

_ So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on _

_ 'Cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed _

_ I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest _

He lifts a bandaged hand to his chest. As he strokes it, his face melts into a drowsy smile, tinged with pain. He hasn’t eaten yet today.

_ Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds _

_ It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me _

Roxy always bandaged up his arms. She asked him to stop. John didn’t understand her. She was kind of annoying like that. Dave wouldn’t be annoying like that.

_ See everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it _

_ My girlfriend's jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7 _

_ But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does _

_ She don't know what it was like for people like us growin' up _

Her tears make him angry. Few things make him angry. Roxy didn’t understand him.

_ You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose _

_ Sincerely yours, Stan _

The pen is running out of ink. That wouldn’t do, he had more to write.

_ P.S. we should be together too _

The letter is sealed, stamped, and given a kiss. It joins the others in the mailbox.

_ My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I _

_ Got out of bed at all _

Pacing, pacing, pacing. Why doesn’t he love me? What did I do wrong? No. It ain’t my fault.

_ The morning rain clouds up my window _

_ And I can't see at all _

Roxy quit when she got pregnant. But the alcohol is still there, and I need it. At least she’s good for one thing.

_ And even if I could it'll all be gray _

_ Put your picture on my wall _

All of the posters are gone. The clowns are mocking me, but that’s okay, they won’t be around much longer neither.

_ It reminds me, that it's not so bad _

_ It's not so bad _

I found the camera. Come on, bitch, it’s time to go.

_ Dear Mister "I'm Too Good To Call Or Write My Fans" _

_ This will be the last package I ever send your ass _

Few things make John angry, he thinks, but that’s a lie. The man who fills the screen is furious, teeth clenched and close to cracking, sweat pouring down his forehead.

_ It's been six months and still no word, I don't deserve it? _

_ I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect _

His veins bulge, his eyes unfocused, but then, nothing can focus with how much the camera is shaking. Even his voice shakes.

_ So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it _

_ I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway _

The video whirls around, blurring into a view of the freeway, the world speeding back behind them.

_ Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka _

_ You dare me to drive? _

He winks into the camera now. A special joke, just for the two of them, only the two of them. Dave, Dave,  _ Dave _ , he’d be the only one who’d get it.

_ You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" _

_ About that guy who could a saved that other guy from drowning, but didn’t? _

He continues to ramble, the world speeding past, his hands rarely staying on the wheel for long.

_ Then Phil saw it all, then at at a show he found him? _

_ That's kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from drowning _

He’s crying. He’s screaming. Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave,  _ Dave _ , his mind was filled to bursting.

_ Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy _

_ And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call _

He takes another sip of the drink, and the car swerves violently. The shaking blurs away the tears on his face.

_ I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall _

_ I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it _

He clutches at his chest, and below his shirt, he bleeds. Thunder crashes. Faster.

_ You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it _

_ And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it _

Someone is screaming, but he’s screaming louder, hands flailing like a man possessed. Spit flies, teeth clench, the camera almost falls.

_ I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me _

_ See Slim, shut up bitch! I'm tryin' to talk! _

Roxy is the one screaming, and John is the picture of violence, can you really call him John anymore? He doesn’t know. All he knows is Dave.

_ Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin' in the trunk _

_ But I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you _

You could say he’s smiling, but that’d be a lie too, the way his face split open couldn’t truly be called a smile. There was too much malice in it, eyes too wide, with the rest scrunched up tight. Uncanny valley. 

_ 'Cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too _

_ Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now _

Her screams blend into the chaos of his head. He laughs, and laughs, and the rain pours harder. Dave, Dave, Dave… For just a moment, there is clarity on his face.

_ “Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?” _

The image blurs as the camera is knocked around. There's a screech, and then everything goes quiet.

_ My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I _

_ Got out of bed at all _

White hair, black hair, drift up in the water.

_ The morning rain clouds up my window _

_ And I can't see at all _

A man rifles through a pile of letters. He gets a lot every day.

_ And even if I could it'll all be gray _

_ Put your picture on my wall _

His shades land on a name. He knows that name. Bile rises in his throat.

_ It reminds me, that it's not so bad _

_ It's not so bad _

He sits down at his desk, and pulls out a piece of paper, beginning to write.

_ Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy _

“Dear John, I would’ve written sooner, but I didn’t see it.”

_ You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she? _

_ Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that _

_ And here's an autograph for your brother _

_ I wrote it on the Starter cap _

Another letter joins the pile on the floor. It’s in a manilla envelope, a familiar name scribbled on it, even with nobody there to see it.

_ I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I must of missed you _

_ Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you _

_ But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too? _

_ I say that shit just clownin' dog, come on, how fucked up is you? _

Two figures with black hair stand in front of a grave. The younger of the two clutches a pair of shades, an autograph on the temples, written in silver permanent marker.

_ You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling _

_ To help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some _

_ And what's this shit about us meant to be together? _

_ That type of shit will make me not want us to meet each other. _

The papers are in a war over whos’s fault it was, who’s to blame, who to burn on the stake. A pair of mothers are quiet, numb in their grief, just wishing the noise would stop. Therapy was free to them. Dave does everything he can.

_ I really think you and your girlfriend need each other _

_ Or maybe you just need to treat her better _

_ I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time _

_ Before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin' just fine _

A grave is dug for a little girl, not even old enough to see the world, not even old enough to be born. Bonnie Roseanne Egbert. All three graves have roses placed on them. They’re red. One of them has a letter resting on the headstone. In the end, nothing matters to the dead.

_ If you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan _

_ Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan _

_ I just don't want you to do some crazy shit _

_ I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick _

No matter how much he did, he’d never forget, never quite make up for it. It took years of counseling just for the nightmares to stop. For his mind to stop screaming, “what if you’d just done that one thing?”, unable to forget. It took him a long time to get back to movies, to music, to be the father his daughter needed.

_ Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge _

_ And had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid _

_ And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to _

_ Come to think about, his name was… _

Shaking, his hand lifts the remote, restarting the tape again. Dave hasn’t slept in a while. What time is it? Why is this the only thing he has of John’s voice?

_ “...It was you.” _

The letter is sealed, stamped, and carefully cleaned of tears. 

_ “Damn.” _

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like i should explain some family structure things for the purpose of canonmating (even if i have no idea who id even want to find).
> 
> john and roxy are married, their kid was technically rose. jake was his younger brother, jane was his mother, and its not stated but caliborn was his dad. dad egbert is,,, ????? im not related to the lalondes, for... some reason? i remember having a sister, but man, this stuff is complicated. john and roxy are 19 and 18 respectively, jake is 11, jane is like, 40, caliborn is fucking dead. i was like, 26-27. i have a hesitant idea on whos supposed to be the beta version and whos supposed to be the alpha version, but again, complicated. comment if you have questions. 
> 
> \--i dont know if bonnie was actually her first name, by the way, since im not really sure who 'bonnie' refers to there, so i cant tell who shes supposed to be in my timeline, yknow?--
> 
> i looked it up and i get it now ignore that part


End file.
